Seven reasons I just can’t work out this England team
I have no idea how good England are, and it’s partly my job to know. If you think you have a handle on where Thomas Tuchel is, what his defence will be for the next match and whether we have actually played well or how Tuchel wants us to play yet, fair play.
England were good for one half against Croatia, no halves against Ghana and one half against Panama, albeit winning 2-0 was probably just about par for the course.
I would posit that this has been the most confusing England group stage of my lifetime. And here is why.
The lurches in performance
It didn’t feel inappropriate to praise England after the second half against Croatia. It was England’s most fluid major tournament performance against decent opposition since the 4-0 against Ukraine in Euro 2020. We thought we knew what this England team were going to be and we liked it.
And then they promptly went three halves of football against the third and fourth best teams in the group without scoring. And then when we were all preparing angry social media posts (guilty), England clicked and scored twice. So was the fun the exception or the truth? Are we a control team or a chaos team?
Breaking teams down
Perhaps this shouldn’t have surprised us, given England scored three goals in 180 minutes against Andorra in qualifying. But I think we can at least be certain that England struggle to break down low blocks because the wingers struggle to dribble past full-backs and Harry Kane isn’t really a poacher anymore.
But that certainty creates its own confusion. The assumption is that England will be better against stronger opponents because they won’t just sit deep, but why would any manager not just tell his team to soak up England pressure, provoke overcommitment of players and then hit us on the break? Will we be better against better or just lose to the first decent opposition?
The new manager
Lots of this uncertainty comes from having the first new manager at a major tournament since Roy Hodgson lost to Iceland. It has actually been a virtual mirror of the 2022 World Cup, when England got busy in the first game (6-2), drew the second 0-0 and won the third fairly comfortably but having been level at half-time.
But then Tuchel was supposed to be different. He still might be, if he proves himself capable of beating a high-end nation in a major tournament outside England. It’s just that the group stage have given us no reliable information as to whether that will happen or not.

The stars turning up
For all that England laboured in sections of all three group games, the general aim at a major tournament is to have your world-class attacking players involved in the most moments that matter.
England have played three games. Kane has scored three goals and Jude Bellingham has two. Bellingham has two man-of-the-match awards, Kane one. This is good, right? So why does it not quite feel right yet?
The right-backs
Every England melodrama needs a farcical storyline and England’s right-back situation is it. We’ve not picked the guy from Real Madrid. We’ve picked the two guys who are good but injury prone and one of them got injured and went home and the other got injured and is still there. We called up a central defender to play at right-back and now he’s injured too.
This may be something that we all look back on and laugh in a few months. It might also be a defining theme of England’s tournament. To clarify: again, no idea.
The opponents
I think this is an underrated element of the confusion. We are used to Croatia being really good and also solid defensively; they had a high defensive line and England won a chaos match against a side that looked way past its best. Ghana had been appalling for most of the last 12 months and then produced a phenomenal low block display under a new manager.
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And we beat Panama 6-1 in 2018 to create unrealistic expectations and clearly they’re a competent team in most areas now. It’s one thing not knowing if your own team is playing well. It’s another not knowing how good your opponents are either.
The rest of the competition
England are here to win the World Cup. Everybody in the camp says as much. Inevitably you also look across to see how potential peers and challengers are getting on. That also clouds all logic.
France have been sensational in attack and seem viable favourites. England have scored more goals than Spain. Netherlands drew with Japan but then clicked. Same with Brazil against Morocco. Argentina have strolled through the groups but haven’t been tested yet. I don’t even know what to think about Germany and Portugal. This isn’t helping, is it?
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