The Anglicisation of Thomas Tuchel continues in earnest on New Year’s day when England’s new head coach formally activates his contract at George’s Park. So begins an 18-month journey to Mars. That is the extra-terrestrial feel of a deal launching Tuchel and England towards a World Cup victory in the United States in the summer of 2026.
There is a sense here that the mother country is rising incrementally towards something momentous and that Tuchel is the alchemist capable of knocking the component parts into a coherent whole. Having gone English after two prominent foreign appointments, the FA has pivoted once more, throwing in their lot with, of all nationalities, a German. This is a move so radical in the eyes of some that anything less than victory will constitute the end of football.
It must be said, the reveal could have been better. What should have been a red carpet moment became an unfortunate fudge, Tuchel’s appointment being almost flushed out of the FA, who was seemingly ambushed by caretaker Lee Carsley’s tongue-tied commentary during his brief period in charge.
And so the night of England’s 3-0 victory over Greece in November drew the first negative headlines for Herr Tuchel. The Sun rather opportunistically fanned the paper’s frustration at his January 1 start date with a ‘Tuchel Out’ banner on the paper’s website. The piece was based on a small sample of fans posting their support of Carsley following a positive display. The FA had, claimed The Sun, “bottled it” over the decision to award the job to Tuchel at Carsley’s expense.
How much of this was underpinned by Tuchel’s nationality is a fair question given the notes of concern expressed by some believing the England job should go to an English coach. It is after all Englishness that is being measured in international competition.
But that’s another debate, and ignores the fact that Tuchel is England’s third foreign coach. A Dutch leads England’s women, a Kiwi leads the England cricket team, an Australian had previously led the England rugby team. It is the willingness to engage in this kind of inflamed anti-Tuchel rhetoric that should serve as a warning about the consequences of any missteps.
There is, it is true, an irony in the founding fathers being led by a coach from a nation considered our greatest footballing rival. It was Germany who England beat controversially in 1966 to lift the World Cup, still the only major success by the country that gave the sport to the world. And one that in Germany represents one of the great miscarriages of justice since they claim the ball never crossed the line after leaving Geoff Hurst’s boot and bouncing down off the bar.
Revenge was sweet four years later in Mexico when an arguably stronger England team lost to Germany in the World Cup quarter-final after leading 2-0 in Guadalajara. Thus began a period of Teutonic dominance that led Gary Lineker to conclude that, “Football is a simple game. Twenty-two men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans win”.
England’s relationship with Germany is further complicated by the history that connects us, opposing forces in two global conflagrations that defined the 20th century. Perhaps we should be grateful that Tuchel’s appointment might put an end to the singing of those legacy chants of old England, Ten German Bombers and Two World Wars And One World Cup. Then again, this might be wildly optimistic in the context of fan culture that accepts the booing of national anthems.
We saw how Carsley’s temporary posting proved manna for xenophobes who found a reason to be angry over his refusal to sing the national anthem. If an Irish passport holder who played for Republic of Ireland declined God Save The King, what flame throwing awaits the Teutonic Tuchel when he stares at the ground?
International sport is an obvious signifier of nationhood, one of the few arenas in which citizens are able to coalesce and express identity without consequence. Except in football where it is hijacked by fringe elements for sinister purposes.
Thus does the appointment of Tuchel force some to confront their anachronistic obsession with historic events between England and Germany in the 20th century. It’s over lads. In an increasingly intemperate world being violently reshaped by ideological zealotry we are, mercifully, on the same side now, unified by a shared culture and common interest. It’s time to turn up at Wembley in lederhosen eating bratwurst and chips. Prost!
Tuchel’s nationality will mean zip should he end the 60-year drought in the United States. The new world would be an appropriate place for Tuchel to land with England, tapping into the symbolic power of America, a concept where everything is mythically possible, a country built on multi-national roots and diversity.
In persuasion and sensibility Tuchel is already Anglicised by his love of the Premier League, English football culture and his time at Stamford Bridge, where he underscored his credentials as a sound technician and master of strategy boasting big brain energy with a Champions League triumph over Manchester City. It is precisely these worldly attributes that the English coaching fraternity is seen to lack.
England can hardly be faulted for following the example of its premier clubs, the majority of which long ago dispensed with national prejudices. Beyond Everton, Newcastle and Ipswich in the Premier League, English remains a foreign language in the gaffer’s office.
Tuchel’s Teutonic eye will begin its scrutiny of England’s finest in Brentford for the visit of Arsenal on New Year’s day. Cue photos of his first day in office. He won’t have to leave his beloved London until the 5th when Liverpool host Manchester United. A big day for Trent Alexander-Arnold, no doubt, the source of much vexed debate for Tuchel’s predecessors.
The Liverpool defender is not the only conundrum for Tuchel to settle. Arsenal defender Ben White is sending out signals after withdrawing his candidacy under Gareth Southgate. Jadon Sancho is another outcast back in vogue at Chelsea. And of course, a question already put to Tuchel after the World Cup draw in Zurich, how to accommodate the most thrilling talent of them all, Sancho’s Chelsea teammate Cole Palmer?
Tuchel gave a practiced response to one of the many questions the FA comms team might have flagged up beforehand. “That’s a bit too far, going into individual players,” he said. “But he is definitely on form, I think everyone would agree on that. Hopefully he can still grow and keep the level up. Everyone enjoys watching him. He’s cool, composed, he’s very clinical in finishing and assisting. Very impressive at the moment.”
Thus Crystal Palace versus Chelsea on his first Saturday in the job probably edges Spurs versus Newcastle, though if he wanted to impress the naysayers he could squeeze in both since the former is the early kick-off and a helicopter from N17 to SE25, a flight path of 15 miles, is doable in ten minutes. Well, he did want to be a helicopter pilot in his youth.
Tuchel agreed this group has all the necessary elements. The FA believes he is the man to blend them into a team. His time starts now, 18 months to invert Lineker and make football a game of 22 players who chase around for 90 minutes and then England win. Please God.
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