I listened to eight World Cup podcasts – Piers Morgan’s made my ears bleed
Much like the World Cup matches themselves, I can break down the experience of watching this tournament from home into quarters.
Firstly, watching the evening kick-offs: easy. Secondly, contemplating watching the later kick-offs: tougher, because by your mid-30s staying up until 1am is a big deal.
Thirdly, the overnight matches: for now, a write-off, while the final quarter is the biggest chunk of the day, essentially a 9-to-5 that is waiting for the action to begin.
So while my colleagues swan around North America, occasionally doing some work, I decided to fill my time throughout Friday by listening to as many podcasts as possible, and after digesting eight takes following England’s win over Croatia, here’s how I would rate them – including the unearthed gem which tops the lot.
Stick to Football
Within seven seconds Gary Neville asks, “is there any green food that’s good?” and follows it up with, “have you ever heard of cress?”
I quickly gauged this is the opening schtick, a football-free opener to settle the listener in, and eventually once Ian Wright and Roy Keane joined Neville it was largely their ITV chat plus the chance to swear.
At 88 minutes it was far too long, though, and while I would pay to watch Keane at a comedy night – “a burger and coke cost me $400!” he grumbled, having covered the bill the night before – it was ruined by spending 20 minutes on player ratings and 15 drawn-out minutes guessing past Golden Boot winners.
Cut this to 30-45 minutes and I’d listen again. Rating: 2/5
That Peter Crouch Podcast
Clearly non-football chat is the way to open these podcasts, but given I have no previous experience listening to Peter Crouch and pals I don’t care about them playing padel. I got bored really quickly. Rating: 1/5
Rio Ferdinand Presents
I struggle with Rio Ferdinand but wanted to give his podcast a chance, and after he said on the AirBnb-backed podcast that he is staying in a “sick villa” in Los Angeles, it picked up thanks to Joel Beya, the DR Congo footballer-turned-content creator who helped the conversation flow.
Ferdinand has an authority and vast experience I wish he would lean into more, as opposed to shouting “Ballon d’Or!” at matches. Thankfully there was less hyperbole here: he raised the valid debate of whether Manchester United should reevaluate their stance on Marcus Rashford, and overall this was far more palatable than I was expecting. It was also the right length: 26 minutes. Rating: 3/5
Football Ramble
Calling Croatia “slugs” – a reference from The Office – within a minute had me on Football Ramble’s side, and it was quickly evident there was no agenda, no sense they are mining the show for social clips the way other podcasts do.
They make you feel you’re at the end of their table in the pub. Their Cristiano Ronaldo chat was sensible – Portugal had played the same day as England – when discussing his worth and whether he is better coming off the bench, while calling Anthony Barry “Tony Bazz” was a welcome quip given Thomas Tuchel’s assistant was mentioned in virtually every podcast. Rating: 4/5
Piers Morgan Uncensored
John Terry was mercifully subbed out with Sean Dyche taking his place, but this was essentially a shouting match with way too much interrupting – shocking, I know – as Piers Morgan and Simon Jordan went back and forth.
Dyche tried to mediate at times but shooting from three different studios made for a shoddy listen. Morgan calling a foul by Lionel Messi a “war crime” was the exaggeration I anticipated, but I stopped listening after Jordan told Morgan to stop being a “fanny”. When Terry returns, I will not. Rating: 1/5
The England Pod
I stumbled upon The England Pod on Spotify and am glad I did. “A show for England football fans, by England fans,” is the sell, and I’ve bought in.
Ali Maxwell, George Elek and David Walker are engaging – no surprise with Maxwell and Elek presenting the Not The Top 20 Pod – and their voicenotes from followers was a fun addition. Maybe by this point of the day I was bored of the same football takes, so explaining why Oasis’ “Don’t Look Back in Anger” is more suitable than “Wonderwall” as England’s anthem of the summer was a welcome debate. Rating: 4.5/5
Fozcast – The Ben Foster Podcast
Another podcast where I am clearly not the target audience. Very pally, lots of “Tommy Tuchel”, with Ben Foster the overly dominant voice.
Foster loves sushi, I’ve learned, while he was speculative on Trent Alexander-Arnold’s absence. As for his expertise, he was useful for the two goals Jordan Pickford conceded, but this was a podcast I needed to start listening to five years ago to feel any affinity for now. Rating: 2/5
Read more
Michael Hincks: ITV’s World Cup coverage eclipses BBC in every way – except one
Kevin Garside: ITV’s Lee Dixon is sucking the joy out of the World Cup
The Rest is Football
Last but not least. Gary Lineker made a cheeky ITV appearance on Saturday – a year after his BBC exit – with The Rest is Football filming out in New York City, and referenced this in Sunday’s episode.
The post-England episode meanwhile was a calm listen (a good thing), and after the first episode divided, this was undoubtedly Lineker back to his BBC presenting best, the quarterback throwing it out to the five voices with him: Micah Richards, Alan Shearer, Harry Maguire, Patrick Vieira and Joe Cole.
Vieira was the necessary continental input, while Lineker in this essentially Match of the Day role was able to involve an initially quiet Maguire, by far the closest any podcast has to a current England player. This was no shouting match unlike Morgan’s podcast. There was less banter than Neville’s. If I’m coming back for an authoritative – and thankfully, 45-minute – listen, it’s this one. Rating: 4/5
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