Some gallows humour to start with. How long before fans of Manchester United emulate supporters of Yorkshire Cricket Club, who quickly renamed underperforming West Indies captain Richie Richardson Poorly Poorlardson during his tour of duty at Headingley? Similarly, Sachin Tendulkar became Fivedulkar during his underwhelming service with the White Rose.
You can see how Erik ten Hag might be reconfigured given the hospital pass coming his way at Old Trafford.
For 45 minutes this was the hellscape United feared, a harrowing defenestration that revealed how fearsome a beast Liverpool are and how supine United have become. The second half was better. United reconnected a little with the threads of their past, ran a bit harder, found some pride. But Liverpool were perhaps a little drunk on the magnitude of their supremacy by then and still added two more goals.
Parking the bus in a 3-1 defeat at Anfield in 2018 cost Jose Mourinho his job. Here fielding three at the back, including Phil Jones, and packing the centre was seen as expediency. That is how much United have shrunk. The defensive policy lasted all of five minutes, the time it took for Liverpool to slice through the three pillars of central defensive wisdom. The set-up worked in training said Ralf Rangnick. Bit different when Luis Diaz, Mo Salah and Sadio Mane are running at you.
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United’s shuffled pack required further adjustment when Paul Pogba went lame in the opening ten minutes. To those who booed the Frenchman against Norwich on Saturday that would be seen in a positive light. Certainly, his capabilities in a defensive role have never been a selling point. It could be, of course, that Pogba has played his last in a United shirt, yet more cause for celebration among the anti-Pog tendency.
United spent the opening 20 minutes in full panic mode, possession an alien concept as Liverpool did their thing. While that might sound like an accidental collective improvising in a jazz club, it was in fact the work of a group delivering heavily rehearsed patterns, players individually superior to those opposing them and, measured in goals, four better as a team.
The pass by Mane for the second, the control and finish by Salah, his first in open play since February, would have ripped peak Barcelona apart never mind the worst United side since Tommy Docherty ran George Best out of town in 1974.
United looked embarrassed to win a corner 33 minutes in. The prosaic nature of award, the resulting attempt at a header by Harry Maguire felt like a dad coming on for the last five minutes and trying to score against the school first XI on sports day. As stellar as Liverpool are it felt like they occupied an even greater space in the heads of the opposition. It was a triumph of sorts that United made it to the interval just two adrift.
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Perhaps Liverpool would ease up in the second half, save some beans for the decisive weeks ahead. United at least ditched the cataclysmic back-three after the break, hooking Jones for Jadon Sancho.
This gave United a better shape and, coupled with a drop in Liverpool’s intensity, offered room to breathe. There were periods of possession, passages that discomfited the quad hunters, some groans from the Kop as United fizzed the ball around. Crikey it almost felt like a contest. And then up popped Mane to puncture United’s rapidly inflating balloon.
Salah’s second five minutes from time brought the scoreline into balance with Liverpool’s first 45 minutes. One positive note for United, if that is possible on nights such as these, was the hint of recovery in the play of Marcus Rashford. Something to cheer Ten Hag perhaps.
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